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Marital Therapy When a plant is almost dead it takes a lot of time, love, and the right kinds of tools and knowledge to help it spring back to life.  The same is true for your marriage. If you are willing to put in the time and effort there is a good chance you can save your marriage. The first thing we recommend you do is print a copy of the Respect pamphlet from the Keys to Unlocking the Door to a Healthy and Happy Marriage Pamphlet Series. You can find it by clicking here. Most couples with serious marital problems have replaced the initial respect they had for their spouse with contempt. The lack of respect and the abundance of contempt makes it virtually impossible to listen when your spouse is speaking, treat him or her respectfully or speak in a respectful tone of voice. On the other hand when you have a high level of respect for someone you tend to listen very carefully to what they say instead of thinking about what you are going to say when they stop moving their mouth.  You tend to think about what you are going to say instead of just blurting out the first thing that pops into your head. You tend to speak in a respectful tone of voice. You tend to treat them respectfully. You tend to remain calm when you have a disagreement.  You won't always agree with the person you have a high level of respect for but you tend to disagree respectfully. You also tend to resolve or manage your disagreements in a way that strengthens the relationship rather than weakens it. If you want to nurture your marriage back to a healthy state you must learn to increase the respect and decrease the contempt you feel towards your spouse. We also recommend that you visit the Unhealthy Marriages webpage. There you will find a listing of resources that will teach you other basic relationship skills and knowledge to nurture your marriage back to a healthy state. If you still feel like you need the help of a marriage therapist then we highly recommend that you be very careful on who you select.  While some therapists will help your marriage, unfortunately there are many who will do more damage to it than good. We also highly recommend you ask potential therapists the following five questions suggested by Bill Doherty in a presentation at the 1999 Smartmarriages conference: 1. "Can you describe your background or training in marital therapy?" If the therapist is self-taught or workshop-trained, and can't point to formal supervised training in this work, then consider going elsewhere. 2. "What is your attitude toward salvaging a troubled marriage versus helping couples break up?" If the therapist says he or she is "neutral," or "I don't try to save marriage, I try to help people," look elsewhere. 3. "What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?" If the therapist responds by focusing only on helping each person clarify their personal feelings and decisions, consider looking elsewhere. 4. "What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?" Avoid therapists who do mostly individual therapy. 5. "Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction? In addition we recommend that you also ask the following seven questions:   1. What are the specific skills and insights that you are going to help us learn so we can form and sustain a healthy marriage again? 2. How much do you charge per session and do you accept insurance? 3. On average how many sessions do you have with a couple? 4. How do you view your role as a therapist in a session? 5. What are your expectations of us as clients? 6. What are your goals as a therapist when you are working with clients? 7. Briefly describe what we can expect to get out of therapy sessions with you. If you are a victim of domestic violence we recommend you immediately seek the help of a professional. Specific Disclaimer The National Healthy Marriage Institute LLC (NHMI) does not examine, determine or warrant the competence of any of the products or services listed in the New York City Marriage Resource Center website. Use of this website to locate products and services is completely voluntary and will not result in any liability against the NHMI. In no event shall the NHMI be liable for damages to any user of the website for the voluntary selection of any of the products and services listed in the website, for the services provided by any service provider listed herein, or for any other damages which may occur. The NHMI cannot and does not provide any warranties related to the information contained in or resulting services from the products and services that are linked to from this website.

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